


Do You See What I See

by Itscalledthedistrict



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Angst, Fuck Yeah Communication, Gender Dysphoria, Insecurity, M/M, Trans!Alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 08:38:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8884201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itscalledthedistrict/pseuds/Itscalledthedistrict
Summary: "This is who I am Magnus." Alec declared, "I'm not normal. I don't know if that will ever change. I know we talked about this, but things are different now. If you don't want to be with me anymore now's a good time to say something."

In which Alec struggles with being transgender and Magnus is there to help him through the storm.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This fic is not rated M because Alec and Magnus get it on. It contains heavy discussion of insecurity and gender dysphoria, with some discussion of sex. If you aren't comfortable with this content, I don't suggest you continue reading.

Sometimes Alec really wished his mind had an off button.

The thoughts kept haunting him, they wouldn't go away. _You're not good enough. He deserves a real man. Yeah, he's said he doesn't care and sure, he's lasted for three years. What is a man without three years of sex, Alec? He's going to find someone better eventually, someone who can really fuck him. Someone who has a dick he can hold and a flat chest he can lay on and-_

Magnus could tell something was wrong. They'd known each other for five years, had been dating for three. Magnus knows when Alec was at his best and his worst. There weren't secrets between them. Magnus has been asking him for months what was wrong. Alec just shrugs it off and smiles. "I love you," he says instead. Magnus kisses him, and for a moment the thoughts go away.

He needs to tell him though. Magnus needs to know about Alec's insecurities or else they will never move forward.

The way they come out isn't how he planned.

Alec’s never liked bars. They're too crowded and the smell of alcohol and nicotine is everywhere. Magnus doesn't seem to mind them, but Alec knows he'd rather stay home and watch TV. They only went because Clary and Jace were in town and they wanted to see what New York had to offer.

Alec was ordering two soft drinks when he spotted him. Tall, lanky, beard carefully trimmed and hair too gelled. Magnus once told him hair with that much gel should’ve stayed in the fifties. This guy's smirk was dangerous. Alec didn't hide his disgust as the man looked at him.

The man didn't have his eyes on Alec though. He had his eyes set on another man. Jace leaned over and asked Alec, "Who's the dude flirting with Magnus?"

A thousand emotions went through Alec as he saw the man lean closer. Insecurity was the one that hit him hardest.

Alec grabbed the two drinks before going back to their table. He didn't see how Magnus's face lit up as he approached.

"Hey babe," was all Magnus said before Alec's mouth was on his.

Yeah, it might have been a little rude. In that moment Alec didn't care. Kissing meant Magnus couldn't see the hurt expression on Alec's face. He couldn't see the tears threatening to well up in Alec's eyes.

Magnus pulled away slowly. Alec didn't want him to go. "Take me home." He whispered into Magnus's ear. Without question, Magnus sent a quick text to both Jace and Clary and practically dragged Alec out of the bar.

One watching them would've seen two men eager for privacy. Alec couldn't deny this was true, but for different reasons. _Yeah, Magnus will never want to have sex with you. Just look at yourself, you're a freak! How he's made it for three years-_

Alec didn’t look at Magnus as they got off the subway and walked home.

He held Magnus's hand like his life depended on it.

When the door to their apartment opened, Alec rushed in and locked himself in the bathroom. He sat against the door and heard Magnus put away his shoes and jacket. He put his face in his hands and tried to control his breathing.

The binder always makes it hard to breathe.

He felt pressure against the door and knew Magnus was sitting on the other side. For a minute (hour? Alec didn’t know) everything was silent.

"You don't have to stay here," Alec protested, "I know _Dancing with the Stars_ is on."

"You're much more important than some show." Magnus countered without hesitation.

"You could've stayed at the bar."

"I'd much rather be with you."

"I don't need a babysitter."

"No, you don't." Magnus agreed, "You need someone to sit and listen. If you want, I can go call your sister or Lydia or-"

"Don't leave." _God_ he sounds pathetic.

"I'm not going anywhere." Magnus said with finality.

Everything was silent for a moment. Alec tried to focus on Magnus's breathing instead of the thoughts that haunted him.

"The guy at the bar was okay." Alec tried. He smiled a little when he heard Magnus scoff.

"He wasn't my type," Magnus challenged, and Alec could practically hear his smile. "For one thing, I don't date greasers. I like guys with brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. He should also know his way around a bow, and I don't know what I'd do if he didn't like-"

"Is he also a freak? Does he often get mistaken as a woman? Do you constantly have to explain to your friends that no, it’s not like that, you're just dating a guy who has a vagina?"

" _Alec_ ," Magnus interrupted, "where is this coming from?"

Alec couldn't breathe. Suddenly the usually protective restraint on his chest felt one hundred times heavier. Without thinking, he threw it off. He tried to ignore how his breasts shrivelled up in the cold.

"You don't understand," Alec began, "you're not stuck with me. I'm not the only guy around. There is a plethora of people who would die for a change to go out with you. I've seen it, you can't deny it. You don't have to stay with the freak anymore."

"Wait, darling who put these thoughts in your head?" Magnus said frantically. The words only made Alec more irritated.

"I've always had these thoughts! They never go away! There are so many things that I can't give to you. I can't go to the pool without turning heads. I can't go to the bathroom in public. I don't have a flat chest you can lay on. Hell, I can't even have sex with you properly!" Alec screamed.

He heard Magnus stand and try to open the door. He heard another thump and pictured Magnus hitting his head against the door. Alec hoped he wasn't crying. Magnus didn't need to waste any tears on him.

"This is what you've been obsessing over for the past couple of months." It was more of a statement than a question. "Darling you know I love you. What did I do to make you doubt that?"

Alec stood and leaned against the door. He half imagined that it was Magnus's forehead against his instead of wood. "You didn't do anything."

"I don't understand."

Without much thought, Alec opened the door. He watched as Magnus took in his appearance.

This was the first time Magnus had ever seen his chest.

Alec took one of Magnus's hands and put it on his chest, not taking his eyes off of Magnus's. Sometimes he forgets how much of a gentleman Magnus is. His eyes didn’t drop once.

"This is who I am Magnus." Alec declared, "I'm not normal. I don't know if that will ever change. I know we talked about this, but things are different now. If you don't want to be with me anymore now's a good time to say something."

Magnus stayed silent for a moment. For some reason, Alec found it more reassuring than anything. He was content with gazing into Magnus's eyes.

Magnus sighed, leaning forward and wrapping his other arm around Alec's waist. The hand on Alec's chest flexed, and Alec gasped quietly.

"I love _you_ , Alec. I love the way you can take a man out in 30 seconds. I love the way you kiss me goodnight. I love your stubbornness and the way you don't let anyone get away with shit. _I. Love. You._ " Magnus kissed Alec's shoulder with every word. "You’re more of a man than anyone I’ve ever met. You fight for what’s right. You hold the door for the ladies. You’re not afraid to protect what’s yours. I don’t think your body reflects who you are at all.”

Alec closed his eyes and breathed. Magnus held him closer. “And for the record,” he continued, “I don’t care if we ever have sex. I love kissing you and if that takes us further someday, I will be more than willing. If not, that’s okay, because I will _never_ push you to do something you don’t want to.”

Alec started crying, leaving tear stains on Magnus’s shirt. He didn’t realise how much he’d needed to hear this. How much Magnus actually loved him, how he wasn’t a burden. It was almost like with every word spoken, Magnus was repairing months of damage.

Magnus always knew how to put him back together.

That evening, Alec fell asleep on Magnus’s chest without anything telling him not to.

Now, Alec wakes up with Magnus’s unruly hair splayed across his bare chest. He smiled and ran his hand through the soft black hair. Magnus sniffed and moved, his morning erection accidentally brushing against Alec’s thigh.  It doesn’t bother Alec like it used to.

The band around his finger helps Alec chase any thoughts of insecurity away. If Magnus didn’t love him for who he was, he wouldn’t have put a ring on it. Sure, he still has terrible days. Alec cries, screams, throw things, and curses about how unfair the world is. Magnus was always there after the storm. He holds Alec and helps chase the demons away. He won’t leave Alec alone, even when Alec is at his worst.

In return, Alec falls in love with him a little more every day.

“You’re thinking too loud.” Magnus complains, wrapping his arms around Alec’s waist. “Go back to sleep.”

“I love you.” Alec whispers, running a hand down Magnus’s back.

“I love you more.” Magnus says into his chest, “Now go back to sleep. We have an appointment tomorrow and you _know_ what coffee does to you.”

The reminder makes Alec’s heart flutter. He can’t wait to see their future child.

**Author's Note:**

> For my friend who doesn't believe he's good enough.
> 
> [Rebloggable on Tumblr](http://justnightwingit.tumblr.com/post/154608753894/do-you-see-what-i-see-malec-fanfic-rating-m)


End file.
